


i was born to be lonely, i am best so

by shitbricks



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Self-Harm, hux has a weird soft spot for the boy, kylo cries a lot and hux is kind sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5657440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitbricks/pseuds/shitbricks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small sob then echoed though the empty forest, it sounded wet and weak and most of all absolutely broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i was born to be lonely, i am best so

**Author's Note:**

> i should be working on my stormpilot fic butttttttttt guess what. fuck it. have some angst. theres some definite big trigger warnings on this one for self-harm i'd just like to reiterate.
> 
> title from a line in the poem Danse Russe by William Carlos Williams

Gazing from afar at Kylo Ren on Starkiller, minutes before its destruction, the General felt something deep in his heart tug, something close to pity, but he quickly dismissed the feeling, he couldn’t afford to feel pity.

But still, the sight before him was shocking to say the least, almost enough to make him sick. Kylo Ren was an absolute mess, writhing around on the snow, blood staining the wet slush around his hip and Hux could see a dark damp spot on his robes where blood was seeping through lazily. Kylo’s hair was everywhere, plastered on his face from a mix of sweat and melting snow, the rest of his locks splayed messily out around him. Hux observed in stunned silence at the scene briefly, even worse than his physical state, the knight’s unstable mental fortitude was quickly deteriorating. Kylo was squirming around in the snow in spasms, sometimes groaning pitifully from the pain and other times screaming in unbridled rage, occasionally beating at the wound on his side with his palm, letting out choked off noises.

Then suddenly, there was a pause of silence where Kylo said nothing at all, almost frozen on the spot and for a second Hux assumed he perhaps did freeze, this planet was frigid and brutal and he was already chilled down to his core standing in the open.

The moment of silence was soon disturbed by a soft sniffle that jolted Hux back to attention quickly, the noise was so soft he wasn’t convinced he heard it at all, his ears struggled to pick up the sounds to hear if he heard correctly. A small sob then echoed though the empty forest, it sounded wet and weak and most of all absolutely broken.

 _Is Ren… crying?_ Hux pondered briefly, observing the body that formally spasmed with rage, shaking and curling into a ball, softly sobbing.

Unlike the screaming and unrelenting anger, Kylo’s despair was muted and quiet, as if he needed to hide it even though he was (he _thought_ , not having noticed Hux’s presence yet) the only one in the dead wilderness.

Hux couldn’t take a moment longer for inaction, time was of the essence and he did not plan on dying today, nor did he intend on having the unstable knight die here alone.

Hux started quickly walking over to Kylo’s trembling form a short distance away, the crunch of his boots on the snow alerting the attention of the boy himself and he turned, the look on his face briefly that of a broken and beaten down child, tears running trails down his bloodied face.

Hux didn’t allow himself to outwardly react to the realization that Kylo’s newly acquired facial scar was deeper and more gruesome than he witnessed from what he saw a few yards away. The flesh was seared and the deepest red he’s ever seen against Kylo’s pale milky complexion. He didn’t like the way it marred the softness of his face, the innocence it held every time he took off the mask and Hux realized that there was a boy under the voice modulator and dented metal.

Kylo still must have noticed his slight hesitation, his half-second stare, for he turned his face away from the General with a sour, ashamed look on his face, his eyes downcast and eyebrows taut.

“Hello, General.” Kylo whispered in a soft deliberate voice, consciously willing himself not to crack, his face returned to the stone cold apathy it usually held in front of others. It didn’t do much, Kylo still shook like a leaf in the bitter wind, his face still blood-stained and tear streaked, and Hux could hear the wet shuddering breaths Kylo took on every inhale and shaky exhale.

“Ren,” Hux greated in a voice that was strangely softer, less rough around the edges and strict like his usual tone was. This tone conveyed concern rather than order and authority, Hux wasn’t sure if he liked it, it felt odd to emote semi-freely, especially to the brat he so often argued with every day for years on end.

Ren must have noted the oddity of his tone, the stark difference of emotion Hux was showing from his usual steely military coldness that he masked himself in, for he jolted up slightly, eyes coming in direct contact with the general’s. Kylo’s face was one of apprehension and uncertainty, his eyes still red rimmed from the tears that streamed down his face freely only a few moments ago.

“We’re leaving, I will help you.” Hux said delicately, they didn’t have much time and he didn’t need any harsh words or suggestions to cause Kylo to go into a breakdown that could potentially kill them both. He knew Kylo hated being treated like he was weak, and any suggestions of help were usually met with dead glares and sharp replies that were along the lines of _‘I don’t need help from you, or anyone, I can handle this by myself’._ But this occurrence obviously proved that wrong, unfortunately for everyone Ren infact wasn’t invincible like his mystical religion and powers made him seem. He too was human. Humans bleed, apparently a lot too judged by the red stained snow that pooled around Kylo’s waist and smeared across his face and gloves. Kylo may not like receiving help but unfortunately he would just have to deal with it for a few minutes and suck up his pride if he didn’t want to die.

Hux mustered up his strength and carefully moved his arms under Kylo’s body, one arm under his upper back and the other under lower more embarrassing areas that he definitely was not thinking about at all. He lifted Kylo with a grunt and Kylo sagged like dead weight in his arms, a few droplets of blood dripping in quick succession from his blood saturated clothes. Hux strained to position Kylo over his shoulder, he was just too much dead weight to carry bridal style and walking with a big pitiful baby in his arms isn’t going to help much on time. Kylo made a soft noise of protest after half his body was positioned carefully over Hux’s left shoulder, the wound on his hip screaming in pain and he clung desperately onto the fabric of Hux’s coat, gloved fingers digging into the skin of Hux’s back lightly.

Hux began trudging at almost inhuman speed away from the blood stained clearing in the forest towards the small ship that awaited their departure only a few hundred yards away. Hux chose to ignore the feeling of Kylo’s chest heaving into his back, tiny sobs and hiccups escaping from Kylo’s slightly parted lips, despite his effort to muffle the noises by biting his lip.

The grip on his back tightened as they finally stepped on board the ship and the pilot was quickly ordered to depart right away. Hux carefully un-clung Kylo from his body and laid him down on the cool metal floor with his back against the wall. Hux crouched down in front of Kylo, who was leaning against the wall limply with his arms draped across his stomach, tears still streaming in large droplets down his face. Hux watched him silently, evaluating the scene in front of him, taking in everything that happened in the last few minutes.

“I suppose you would like seeing me in such a state, hm, General?” Kylo bit out scornfully, despite his condition he still had some malice left in him, maybe it even fueled it.

Hux continued staring at Kylo, their eyes locking for what seems like minutes, Hux’s gaze blank and analytical while Ren’s challenging. Kylo struggled to maintain his fierce glare, his face twitching slightly under the tension that seemed to clog the air.

“No,” Hux answered plainly, leaving Kylo stunned into silence, he had already planned a sharp comeback and Hux’s almost _caring_ response left him not knowing what to say.

Kylo didn’t even realize he was crying again until he felt Hux’s gloved hand swipe slowly under his left eye, trailing the rolling tear, careful to avoid the freshly wounded flesh only centimeters away.

Hux continued wiping the tears away every time one fell without hesitation, and as hard as Kylo tried to stop the tears from spilling over, the small touches just made them worse.

_I don’t deserve this kindness, I’ve failed… I was taken down by the girl._

_A girl with a lightsaber that belongs to ME, a girl without training or a mentor, even after all of this, I am weak._

_I am weak._

Kylo’s expression slowly morphed into a look of broken blankness, his tears had finally stopped falling and Hux was simply watching his face.

He breathed in a shallow, shaky breath, feeling the pinch of his blaster wound leaking more blood with each inhalation. He took solace in the pain.

Rubbing at his clothed wrists absentmindedly, Kylo let himself close his eyes, if only for a second, and pretend everything that has ever happened to him did not exist, that he did not exist, he was just a dream of some over imaginative child in the outer regions of some random galaxy and he would cease to exist when they awoke.

Kylo opened his eyes lazily at the soft tug on his sleeve, giving Hux a questioning look at the sudden disturbance.

“Well, unless you plan on bleeding out before we land elsewhere I suggest you let me tend your wounds,” Hux mumbled semi-irritably, the stupid looks Kylo always seemed to have on his face whenever he didn’t have a mask on never ceased to amaze him.

“I didn’t know you had medical training, General,” Kylo said quietly, his mind still in places far off,” Are you sure you won’t make it worse?”

Hux scoffed at the rude suggestion, standing up to retrieve the emergency medical kit on the wall in the back of the ship.

“I know a lot of things Ren, I doubt I will maim you any further,” Hux said as he crouched down again in front of Kylo, the harshness in his tone depleting significantly.

Hux opened the medical kit and rummaged through the various types of low-technology medical gear that were organized neatly in the little square box. Hux tutted in annoyance at the almost primitive nature of the medical gear in the kit, only various bandages and medicines were within the kit rather than some of the more technologically advanced medical gear that would assist in cauterizing or stitching Kylo’s wounds.

 _This will have to do for now_ , he thought begrudgingly, snatching up a few thick bandages and tape to at least cover the wounds and apply some pressure.  

Looking back up, Hux gave Kylo a quick once over, identifying the obvious wounds, the most evident of them all being gash across his face and the blaster wound on his side, which Kylo was currently pressing two fingers into with fervor— _What?_

Hux quickly smacks Kylo’s hand away from his own wound, grabbing his wrist aggressively and looking at his hand, his fingers smeared with dried blood and some fresh wet blood from his harsh prodding.

“What the fuck do you think you’re _doing_?” Hux asked in disbelief, gripping Kylo’s wrist in his hand like he was afraid if he let go Kylo might hurt himself again.

“It—It’s okay, it makes me stronger.” Kylo responded in shock, confused on why Hux had suddenly gotten so aggressive, as if he assumed Hux would think it to be normal to hurt oneself in such a way.

Hux finally allowed himself to feel pity in his heart for this kid. As much as he didn’t want to admit it and wished he thought Kylo deserved the pain and the anguish, he couldn’t bring himself to think so. He looked so young.

“I do not know much about your mystical religion and obnoxious powers but there is no strength found in pain like that, Ren,” Hux growled angrily, he wasn’t sure who he was mad at though.

“You know nothing of the Force, Hux, and my techniques of training will not be criticized by _you_ ,” Kylo lashed back, the watery shrillness back in his voice and tears pricking in the corners of his eyes.

Hux sighed, pressing his index finger and thumb against his forehead in frustration. This was all too much for one day, he was surprised he hadn’t snapped like it seems Ren was on the verge of doing again.

Hux silently began removing Kylo’s various layers of clothes, with only little complaint from the boy himself until he was properly stripped down to nothing but his pants, all his shining wounds out in the cool open air for closer inspection.

Grabbing one of Kylo’s hands to move his arm away from his side wound Hux stared down at the wrist he held in his hand.

Kylo’s pale wrists were littered with various thin, carefully placed scars, some deep red and inflamed while others fading into a light pink and only leaving light indents over his thin skin. The lines ran horizontal for the most part and a few even scattered around his upper forearm. The pink and red stood out vibrantly against Kylo’s almost white skin and contrasted sickly next to his spindly blue arteries.

Hux turned his eyes upwards to meet Kylo’s eyes, they stared silently at each other for half a moment before Kylo carefully removed his arm from Hux’s grip and glanced downwards.

“It makes me strong.”

Hux worked on Ren in complete silence, there was nothing to be said, not yet at least.

The last bandage was taped against Kylo’s side and for the most part all major bleeding had stopped for the time being and Hux forced himself to feel satisfied with his work. He sat back and glanced across at Kylo, who was idly rubbing at his wrists like he was earlier, but without sleeves to cover himself with like before.

Kylo noticed his look immediately, though it didn’t stop his soft graze of his fingers against tender flesh.

“You don’t understand,” Kylo whispered almost desperately, pleading in a way that really said _‘ I want you to understand.’_

“No, I do not” Hux mumbled in agreement, reaching out gently to grasp Kylo’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers and bringing their hands to his face, lightly pressing a kiss to the top of each of Kylo’s knuckles.

“I don’t deserve this kindness, General.” Kylo struggled out, eyes watching Hux with every move he made, eyes widening at the gentle kisses he traced over Kylo’s hand.

“You do,” Hux responded quietly, staring Kylo dead in the eye.

“ _No_ ,” Kylo choked out with a brief sob, the sudden affection was overwhelming on his heart, he felt so weak,” _I don’t_.”

Hux leaned forward slowly and placed a small chaste kiss on Kylo’s trembling lips, pulling away to take his other hand and cradle Kylo’s cheek.

“You do.”

The pilot’s voice over the intercom announced they would be landing soon and Kylo would immediately be taken to the nearest med bay once they landed.

Kylo let out a shuddering breath, Hux wiping away one last tear from his face before standing up and turning away to await landing.

Kylo touched his fingers to his lips, he felt warm.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @ djbusta-nut.tumblr.com for more of my absolute bullshit


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